Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
