I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
