my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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