his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
