Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
