oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
