K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
