Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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