woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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