why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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