My liver just broke up with me...
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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