at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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