you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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