This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
