3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
