He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
