she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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