Michael Bay diarrhea
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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