Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
