every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
