i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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