I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
