whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
