I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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