i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
