She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
