I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
