I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
