just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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