nutella sex= disaster
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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