I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
