I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
