if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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