I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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