I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
