i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
