I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
