She announced her abortion via fbk
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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