Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just cut my nipple shaving
never play flip cup with pint glasses
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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