So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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