i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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