chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
