Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize