the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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