tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize