a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
