be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
