Rock
Scissors
Fuck
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
