I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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