Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
