4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
