Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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