everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Randomize
