I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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