were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
