Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
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