I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize