i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
