At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
