i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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