Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
