I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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