beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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