piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
