this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
