tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
COCAINE IS GR8
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
