Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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