Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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