note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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