New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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