I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
