we made out on top of his cat.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
