ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I don't deserve a penis
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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