I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
