i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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