the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
