i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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