fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
