Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
