I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We are two peas in an std pod
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
