I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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